HOW TO BECOME A GOOD LISTENER? - PARENTING COMMUNICATION TIPS

“Being listened to is so close to being loved that most people cannot tell the difference” said the American author David Oxberg. Indeed giving our attention to others words and understanding them are among the two best gifts we can provide to one another. Listen is at the core of all human relationships whatever the age and culture. It is the ultimate way to connect to each other.

How can we adults and parents be good listeners to our children and in turn help them to become good listeners?

What is good listening? 

Good listening is often called active listening. It is a communication soft skill which goes beyond simply hearing the other person and implies a two-way interaction. It’s about receiving, understanding, evaluating, remembering and  replying to a message.

Does good listening come naturally?

Hearing the noises and words around us comes naturally to babies yet listening is a skill to be developed and improved all life long. Listening not just to receive the information needed is key to good communication. Whilst listening is not a subject taught as such, like maths or writing, 50% to 75% of classroom time is spent listening to teachers, other pupils or audios.

What are the skills to be a good listener?

It requires 3 types of skills : 

• Cognitive : The mental skills to take in and process all the information received to make sense of it and show understanding
• Emotional : The skills of ‘the heart’ to attune with the speaker’s emotions and feelings
• Behavioral : The skills to adopt the right attitude both verbal and nonverbally.

What are the different types of listening?

Based on their final purpose, we can identify different types of listening. All of them are good and useful provided they are adapted to the situations and respect the key basics of active listening.

• Task oriented listening : The main aim is to evaluate the information shared in the discussion to take and implement an action. 
• Analytic listening  : The main aim is to analyse and reflect on the information provided, to help problem solving most of the time
• Relational listening : The aim is to build or nurture a relationship, the focus will be placed on the emotions both clearly stated and visible as well as the underlying ones
• Critical listening : This implies a judgement and is use when asked for an opinion
• Aesthetic listening : This mainly applies to music or sounds when the only purpose it to appreciate the beauty of what we hear. Whilst it is an essential part of education, the skills required are somewhat different.

How to be a good listener for our children? What are the key basics of active listening?

As role models for our children, setting the right example is the best way to enhance young ones’ listening skills. Here are a few basic tips to apply : 

• Pick the right place : Prefer a calm setting for important discussions. At home in your child’s bedroom or in a quiet spot garden are often places. Avoiding conservations in loud and noisy environments will allow both the speaker and listener to be focused.

• Pick the right moment : Make sure to be fully available, if you are mutli-tasking, replying to emails and text messages while your child speaks, it may be better to put off and gently let your child know, you cannot listen just now. It’s also a way to teach children to be patient. Whilst granting them the ability to express themselves, it is also important to teach them the importance of adequate timing.

• Pay attention to non-verbal communication :  Look at your child and make eye contact while they speak. It’s a non spoken way to tell them :  “I am here, I am attentive to what you are saying.”. 
• If you can, sit at their level. This will avoid making your child look up, don’t forget they are much smaller and view the world from a different perspective! Imagine holding a conservation with a giant, it can be pretty scary…
• Avoid crossing your arms, fidgeting with an object or phone and checking your watch.
• Focus on your child’s posture, tone of voice and facial expression which may convey underlying messages.

• Be patient : Children do not have as much vocabulary as adults and less experience in talking. They are thus often slower than us at expressing their thoughts. Give them the time needed to hear them out entirely. Avoid finishing off their sentences to speed the process. 

• Respect their speech : Avoid interrupting them to correct them before they have finished. Listen to their thoughts and opinions until the end.

• Encourage dialogue : Frequently ask about your child’s feelings, thoughts and opinion. Make them feel their input and emotions matter. Ask open-ended questions, meaning questions that do not require a mere yes or no reply.

• Reflect their words and feelings : Respond by using part of their statements to acknowledge you have well remembered and understood what they said. Show empathy and compassion, put yourself in their shoes. This will make them feel valued and confident.

How to help children to become good listeners? 

• Keep our words short and simple : Bear in mind that children’s attention span is often shorter than that of adults. Keep your instructions concise and straightforward. Employ vocabulary adapted to your child’s level of understanding! 

• Story telling : Reading stories to your children is a fun way to teach them to listen and stay focused during an extended period of time. It’s a great routine to incorporate into your daily schedule.

• Cooking : Reading a recipe to your child and asking him to perform the different steps one after another is a great listening exercice too.

• Teach them the 5 L’s of active listening : Legs crossed - Lips sealed - Look at the speaker - Listening ears on  - Hands on your laps.

More useful resources on listening : 

What is active listening?

7 active listening skills for better communication

Tips & Activities To Improve Your Child’s Active Listening Skills